How To Gain Understanding When Someone Offends You

How To Gain Understanding When Someone Offends You

My husband keeps me grounded. My dramatic personality can sometimes have me be bold in situations that I should respond to more lightly. He saves me from making a bigger mess of things even if I mean well, especially if I’m defending myself.

Sometimes we might get it in our heads that we’ve had enough of people’s comments and decide it’s time we stop brushing things off and letting it ride. We want it to stop and we want to be brave and stop it ourselves. We want to vent to the exact person that wronged us but in a constructive way (at least we intend to). And unless you say something up front, at the exact moment that someone offends you, is there even a point in going back to the situation later? Sure, why not, especially if it leaves a complete unsettling in your heart. Wait, there are rules though.

Methods to the Madness

Now, I don’t mean say something a whole week or two later. No. (Let’s not be that person. Petty isn’t pretty.) You will know if it’s bothering you before then and should therefore say something later that day or the next day when it’s fresh. Open the doors for understanding and healing. You might find out that maybe the offender couldn’t find the right words for the statement s/he made or that s/he didn’t mean it in the way you perceived it.

Think about it..

If you respond without thinking it over first, your built-up emotions can cause you to outburst and vent creating an unproductive conversation. The other party could be completely confused as to where your reaction is even coming from.

Let’s be honest, it might be multiple reasons that spark a sense of bravery to unleash the lion or lioness in you. While that is absolutely awesome that you want to take charge and stand up for yourself *secret high-five*, we have to remember those three C’s we learned as kids, to be cool, calm, and collective.

We have to consider all aspects of the situation before jumping to conclusions. Don’t let your alter ego break out all the spices! You just need a little oomph of bravery to have the conversation in the first place.

We CAN Do This!

Follow these 3 simple tips and walk away feeling glad you left those extra spices at home!

  1. Get Clarity

Try to realize and understand that the other person probably meant no harm. So what can you do to know for sure? Straight up ask them. “What did you mean (earlier or yesterday) when you said, …. ?” Easy right? Want to share with them what you thought they meant? Go ahead! Y’all might have an “ohhh okayyy” moment and have a good laugh about it!

  1. Keep Your Sanity

Don’t allow yourself to get upset or too hurt and bring yourself down if you don’t have all the details. Just keep calm. There’s no need for a self-induced anxiety attack or depression based on a “what if.” (Not today, Satan!) If you don’t calm yourself but unleash a can of those springy snake toys in a can, you’ll find out it’s not as easy stuffing them back in the can. Who has time for that headache?! Keep sane to avoid disaster.

  1. Be Classy or Smooth (for any gents)

After you choose to get an understanding and remain calm (not necessarily in that order), the only thing left is to express your feelings and thoughts. Gather your thoughts so that you can be intentional with your words. Our response is a reflection of our character so we should respond using our common sense and/or wisdom to handle the situation effectively. You and the other individual will both benefit from an easy-going, stress free, adult conversation.

So, let’s talk!..

Have you been in a situation where someone said something to you that you perceived as negative?

What did you do about it?

How did it turn out? Any regrets?

What would you have done about it using the methods above?


I want to hear from you so leave your comments below! Take a leap of faith and share YOUR story!

We could all use help shaping our character for better outcomes in the future.

** Disclaimer: Please do not use real names. **


The Biblical Scoop!

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” – Colossians 4:6

“The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.” – Psalm 119:130

“Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinion.” – Proverbs 18:2

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.” – Proverbs 17:27




  1. India S.
    June 9, 2018 / 1:52 am

    Well, this was definitely for ME, Alyssa! I can’t tell you how much I’ve struggled with this over the past few years. Thank God, it’s gotten better, but your post has definitely helped me to realize that this is an area that requires extra work on my part. With that being said, long post alert lol.

    In the past (and sometimes, even now, even though I’m realizing my flaw in this area and am working to make it better!) the way I handled things with people in the past when they offended me was to just completely cut them off. Literally. Like, I’d block them out of my life forever without giving them any explanation as to why (because I always felt they should know why I’m choosing to walk away from them) and I just felt like that was the easiest way for me to handle it. Either way, or I’d just brush it under the rug. I think it may be because when I was younger, there was rarely ever a “middle ground” with me when I responded to people. I would very often wind up saying some very, very ugly, unnecessary things just because I was offended. I think I always felt the need to defend myself because I would feel picked on and I would feel people would pick on me on purpose because I’m smaller, or quieter, whatever. And I always felt like people took my kindness for weakness. It would make me very, very angry and at times I would respond accordingly.

    But it’s like you said, petty isn’t pretty! (I love that girl). And as a 25 year old, it’s high for me to learn how to communicate my feelings in a way that’s mature. Cause life is too short for unresolved misunderstandings. Especially for me –I think some of my friendships fell apart because I never let them know how I felt soon enough; and the longer you wait, the bigger things get blown out of proportion!

    So thanks for this, Lyssa. I’m gonna bookmark this. I’m definitely going to encourage others to read this –our generation is kinda terrible at communicating because we feel like we have to retaliate with an attitude EVERY time to take up for ourselves., and we feel like it makes us look tough, but really . . . .it just makes us look childish. So again, thanks girl!

    • Alyssa
      June 11, 2018 / 1:16 am

      This is amazing! Thank you for your story, India! Realizing the error of our ways is one of the first steps to grow in the necessary areas of our lives. Until we notice it or understand that there’s a better solution, we can’t properly fix it.
      Given your story, it can be especially difficult to respond with a level head when people are intentionally bullying you. We just have to work hard to get to a place where we don’t allow our flesh to respond first. But yes, now that you’re older though and have grown more spiritually, reverting to your old habits isn’t even an option. If you ever see it trying to creep back into your life, rely on prayer and the wisdom God has given you to handle it more effectively. I believe in you!
      I’m so glad that this post spoke to you, and I pray it helps you if you ever need it going forward! Oh, and yes, we are all too pretty to be petty! Lol!

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